Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Toxic People & Relationships

Are you a toxic person/personality? And what is even meant by that? A toxic person is one that is negative almost all of the time. This is the type that looks at a beautiful day and says "it could be nicer". We all have this type of personality in our lives now, or have in the past.

As it relates to business this is the individual that makes a million dollars and then complains about having to pay taxes.So what type of person are you? Have you ever been this way and then made the turn around? Let's face it, we all have our down days. Some just take it and let it roll off their shoulders and yet others take it to heart and those are the ones that I am writing this article for.

So let's evaluate the different types, and this is not all inclusive by any means, of toxic people in our lives:

1: The "naysayer". This type will argue, no matter what, with anything and everything that is said or decided.

2: The "nothing is good enough". This type will, no matter how great things are, find something to gripe about.

3: The "I'm not happy, so no-one else should be". This one is quite possibly the worst as they will always try to pull others down ino their depressed and negative state with them. This is one of the most devastating types to be involved with in our personal lives, and our business lives. (This type was the primary cause of my divorce)

4: The "the grass is always greener". This type always tries to beat the neighbor or the person competing with them in business and regardless of the level of their success continues to try to "one-up" everyone else. *This one can be healthy if kept in check It becomes unhealthy when our happiness depends on it.

5: The "if you are not with me, you are against me". This type believes that everyone should be as miserable as they are, and that is the natural state of things. This is very closely related to the type described in number 3. You will find that these all intersect.

6: The "I am always right and you are always wrong". This is what I call the narcissist. This type of personality really believes that they are always right and everyone else's opinion does not, and should not matter. This is a difficult one to deal with, however, I am about to go into some ways of dealing with all of these types as they all correlate.

That should be sufficient for now. As I stated, I am not by any means going to get them all. So how then do we deal with this type of personality and keep them from permeating our lives and our personality? I am going to be speaking from my experiences here. I am NOT a psychotherapist and I do not follow the DSM3 or the DSM4. Just for those that would be this type and criticize this article. LOL.

I have found that the easiest way to deal with the ones of this type of thinking in business is to NOT associate with them. Hmmmmmm. Well Nathan, that is easier said than done? Right? Not really. At any time did I say it was going to be easy? Well, no I didn't, and for good reason. It is neither easy, nor is it comfortable....for you, or the other person or people involved.

I personally, cut ties with any and all people that I do business with that behave in this manner. It is not always easy and it is by no means comfortable, so why then do I so readily do it? They will not be paying my bills or putting a roof over me and my families head. It is a matter of principle. Too bad, so sad.......NEXT!!!!

Now to the most difficult one. What do you do when it is family and/or close friends? There are a number of ways, and trust me folks I have tried many ways and they do not always insulate you from the affects of the behavior completely. Thus, the everyone has bad days statement earlier. We all have them. When I was married to my last wife, she was very negative. Nothing was good enough, no amount of money was ever good enough, what was for dinner was never good enough.......I think you get the idea here.

I must say this. I did not love her any less and this is where it gets a bit sticky. I noticed that this negativity was depressing me and it was affecting not only our relationship, but my relationships with everyone else. I ended up on an anti-depressant (probably the most over prescribed medication in the USA today) and knew that I didn't want to keep living this way. I knew I could not afford to continue for the sake of our son and my being able to support him.

I made the decision that it was best for the sake of my son's welfare, as well as for my own sanity, to end the marriage of almost 10 years. We tried counseling and for a short while things did improve but in the end the marriage was over. It was not an easy decision, however, was one of the best I have ever made. Now, to get into extended family and other friends. This is a bit easier. We have our interactions with our extended family and friends at our discretion. This one is controllable.

Just like in my business dealings, I NEVER make it personal. We cannot do it in our personal lives either, without becoming the way those we are dealing with are. I love my family and I love my friends enough that I choose to distance myself from the ones that are so negative that they affect my attitude and personality. This way we can remain friends and the love stays in tact.

The people I have been discussing are not "evil" people. They are not this way always by choice and too many factors play into them being the way they are and we must cut some slack without it infecting us. Toxic people are, in many ways, diseased. Whether it be by choice, upbringing or simply socialization. It is not for us to decide which of those was the cause.

We must simply choose our best course of action in order for us to live healthy and successful lives and to see that our children do the same. So what if our child is this way??? Then we better begin doing some soul searching, as it were, and find out why. After all, they learn from us and the people they associate with, and we have direct control over that as parents. Get them and ourselves help if necessary, but deal with it now and it is easier to change the negative thought process.

While this sounds like a bit of a disorganized rant I hope you have been, at the very least, able to stop long enough while reading this to notice those that are impeding your personal development in your personal life and in your business life by their negativity. I further hope that you are able to combat that negative influence in your life and become who you are meant to be.

If this helps you do that in your business life then you have a shot to be successful and I am happy for you. If this helps you in any way improve in your personal life then I am absolutely thrilled and honored to have helped you. And finally, if this is able to help lead you to help, and it assists in saving your marriage, and possibly your child from self destructive behaviors that could affect him/her? Priceless.

Reform negativity when you can, remove negative influences and thinkers if you have to, but remember one thing, only you have the power to change your thoughts and your actions for the better or for the worse and sometimes it just becomes habit and habits can be broken.

As always, if I can be of any help to you at any time please simply email me at and may the Goddess bless and keep you always.

Nathan Jeffery )0(

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Author - Religious and Business Leader


Kim said...

I agree I have had to cut ties with people that always seemed to bring me down or were just to high maintance to keep a friendship going.

Wiccan Things said...

Unfortunately that is sometimes what must be done in order to maintain our own sanity and I am sorry anyone ever has to go through that.

Arlen Madsen said...

As always a great post! Keep up the great work!

Damayanthi Jayasinghe said...

Hi Nathan,
You have put this together so nicely & touched on all areas.
I know first hand how it affect you when you have to keep a distance from a person you love.

Thanks for this great post, I a glad I didn't read this last night. This morning I was able to soak in all the good information you have given.


Wiccan Things said...

Thank you Damayanthi. I am happy that you have been compelled to comment and I appreciate your continued support of myself and the Wiccan cummunities everywhere. Brightest blessings.
Nathan )0(